Unfortunately, I can't think of a better way to write out what you'd like to see since Lucy is a character whose personality is shaped by what's happened to her, so condensing the events to say "she's X because Y" and moving on didn't feel right at the time of writing. The way the personalities are described is how they would be in the present, it's just I use "was" a lot since, in her canon point, Lucy's dead, if that's a source of confusion.

If this is a rejection notice, I'll try again next month and see if I can get her personality section in the desired ballpark.